I’m mostly a positive person. People tell me I’m strong …… I’m not sure but, as you know, I do try to manage my emotions and meet challenges with a positive attitude. However, since my last post, my emotions have been on a roller coaster and it’s been difficult to even out the ride.
I had surgery the day of my last post. It wasn’t major surgery but probably challenging for my plastic surgeon– he did an amazing job of removing the scar tissue from deep inside one side of the flap and “putting me back together” as I should have been. The really wonderful outcome of this surgery was that I could walk without limping. Because the scarring was putting a lot of tension on my surrounding tissues, I had developed a significant limp ….. and it’s gone! How wonderful. But not all the news was so good.
The disappointing news for everyone, both my surgeons, and me was that I still had a tight band inside my body that was not resolved by this surgery. My plastic surgeon had a long talk with me post op and said they would have to do abdominal surgery to address that but he wouldn’t do anything until this surgery had healed.
A day or so later off I went home with a drain and high hopes that once it was all healed up there was a possible solution to this very uncomfortable situation. My days are mostly back on the sofa and not being on my feet too much. However, I started doing a bit more and then things got a bit tighter and more uncomfortable…. Hmmm challenging!
My GP was wonderful visiting me every week, giving lots of support and being available to me if I needed. He reminded me of the value of sunshine for wound healing. Well, I’m not going to describe it to you but I had a little 10minute “exposure” to early morning sunshine every day….. now that’s a whole new type of pleasure. Warm sunshine is very healing 🙂
My wound healed up, the drain came out then we had a trip to Brisbane to see my plastic surgeon and have the sutures out. I’m back to lying the seat down in the car and being chauffeured everywhere by Doug. I don’t actually go out much but when I do, he drives me. He’s been amazing in taking charge of all the cooking and shopping plus whatever else has to be done. I’m very limited in what I can do again…. But grateful I have such a supportive husband.
When I came out from my appointment with the plastic surgeon I was shattered. I felt as though I’d been hit by a bus and couldn’t get up again.
What I can recall is that he said he wanted to wait three months before anything else was done to ensure no scarring was going to reoccur. He talked about the scarring problem and completely removing the flap and replacing it with another muscle from my body.
My mind was reeling and I couldn’t hear anything positive. I mostly tried to listen and didn’t engage much because I was trying to process everything he said. It was such a shock.
I didn’t sleep that night and not much the next few nights. It took me a week to get myself back on an even keel. I had lost all the hope I had been holding in my heart and mind.
We have had a communication since then and I understand that the three months is not set in concrete…. If he is happy with the healing something may happen sooner.
So I waver between hoping that this will be able to be addressed without such drastic steps and finding myself a bit weepy and only seeing a fairly dark future. This isn’t me. I find myself wondering if I have it in me to cope with such an outcome.
I was talking to a girlfriend and she helped me to make sense of my reaction. She did talk about my positivity and strength and said I had gone into the appointment with a sense of hope and some expectations about what was coming next. But, the way the appointment went was really unexpected and quite a challenging outcome. We laughed about me coming out with an empty paper bag rather then what I had expected. I said and it was a wet paper bag. We had a good laugh. I’m so lucky to have such wonderful friends.
Not having any firm idea about what is going to happen next is a bit disconcerting. I’m working hard to keep myself in a better frame of mind. I know how fortunate I’ve been and am still very grateful I’ve been given the opportunity to live. I’m trying hard to not think about this horrible scenario.
So time on the sofa may be longer than expected. I’ve been finding it challenging to manage my hair…. I know, it’s a girl thing. It was getting longer and it’s fine and thick. So I decided to cut it all off. My wonderful hairdresser came to my home and we did part of it with me standing and part with me semi lying down. She is such a honey. So here’s the final product. I love it!
For the first time I hear my mind saying, “This isn’t fair.” Oh, a bit of self pity creeping in there. Gotta nip that in the bud.
I also love having some time on our north-facing verandah. The nights are cold but the days are mostly lovely in Queensland. If you are out of the wind the sunshine is warming and so good to enjoy. So I spend some time each morning in a lay back chair with my feet up and enjoy the warmth. No I don’t stay in the sun for a long time – I move my chair into the shade but it’s still lovely. I’m still doing my cross stitch but have to admit it’s slowed down. When I started making mistakes and having to undo it every day I decided to have a break.
Because I can’t get out and about I’ve started buying a few things I “need” online. Some things I “need” more than others but I definitely want them all :). Doug picks up the mail and when he comes in he says, “Oh it’s Christmas again,” as he hands me a parcel. I love this online shopping lol.
My lovely friends who are also in my sewing group came over for a sewing day. Well, they sewed and I just lay around talking. It was a lovely day and my friends were very productive. One of them very generously did an alteration to one of my (ahem) online purchases for me. Aha! a new dress to wear (when I can :)).
And thank goodness for good old Netflix. I know it’s an escape from reality but perhaps that’s what I need at the moment.
Music is still my “go to” place in both good times and not so good. I listen to an eclectic mix of music depending on my mood. I’m also trying to play my guitar more. Doug said I should go on Australia’s Got Talent as someone who plays the guitar lying down. Ha ha! He thinks he’s so funny. 😉
So I don’t know when the next step will take place or what it will be. I’ll let you know when I do.
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